Relationships are a gold mine, and sometimes we have to go “underground and into the darkness” to find the gold.
As we learn to recognise what the gold is, (more of this later) the obstacles and the challenges that stop us getting the gold our relationship can be smoother and more rewarding.
We all have “rocks”, darkness and hidden things in our lives - our experiences, expectations, attitudes, beliefs and thoughts that are embedded into our psyche that impact all our experiences. (more about them below)
Sometimes our relationships can seem a bit rocky
Sometimes this rocky phase seems to linger
Sometimes there seem to be more rocky times than smooth sailing
Sometimes it seems as if we are caught between the rocks and a hard, seemingly unsurmountable or impenetrable place.
We can tend to think that no-one else is having relationship issues, or that are as bad as ours, or that no-one would understand what we are going through; however I have learned that we are all blessed, or cursed (depends on how you choose to perceive that one) with being human, and our very nature, along with our upbringing (yep – even good ones are not exempt) set everyone or us up for relationship challenges.
Some people seem to have it tougher than others, however that does not mean they are a “bad person”, it just means that they have it tougher AND they can choose to learn skills and strategies to make it less tough, even having relationships worth staying in of living for.
IF you are having relationship challenges, let me tell you, there is nothing “wrong” with you, and nothing “wrong” with the other - what the issue is, is that you are both, on some level, operating from a place of disempowerment and disconnection. And this is not "wrong or bad" – it just is and can be turned around to empowerment and connection.
All we want is connection, love, companionship, appreciation, respect and a rest from the conflict.
So how did we get “among the rocks”?
How did "among the rocks" become “often rocky”?
How did “often rocky” seem to drown out the good times and become the "Rocky life” “phase?
If you are having relationship issues, I want to share some things that may assist you to understand a bit of what is going on and offer you some hope.
I am presuming that one of the relationship parties is female – likely you!
Although if you are male and reading this – I bow to you and encourage you to read on, as the information could be life changing for you, if only to opening your understanding a little more.
Why I appear to be singling out the female of the species is that I am one, I have had some experience being female and in a relationship that has been among and on the rocks, and we are a little more complicated than our male counterparts because we are more verbal and emotional. And most likely it is the female party that is reading this.
Things matter to us, that do not matter to men (or at least on the same level) and we talk more about our feelings and the things that matter to us. AND our menstrual cycle (regardless of whether we have one or not, the hormones still do their work in our bodies) messes with every aspect of our life – for better or worse, greater harmony or less, more fun or not! (if you are on the pill or other form of contraceptive, you still have hormones – just a little more complicated due to the effect that artificial forms have on your body and mind)
Hormones are the forerunners of consequences both magical and destructive in women.
Every day the female brain changes, things get murky, mucky and messy, or they can be crystal clear, determined and decisive, or anything in between!
Our hormones will create the ability to respond in awesomely connected and cooperative ways or take everything personally and seem like cooperation never existed. Tears can be plentiful or few, depending on where in her cycle we are. Your significant other can say something today and all will be roses, yet tomorrow could say the exact same thing in the exact same way, tone and body language and that will set loose the shrew, the floodgate or the sulks, or all three!
My suggestion to men – “do not take it personally”, and to ladies, “cut yourself some slack – this too will pass – in a few days”, and to you both - it is not personal and never is!
For the ladies, they can be as changeable as the weather - some days they will bite heads off, hate themselves - every part of themselves and the life they are living, and others will be on top of their game: organised, productive, assured and a joy to be with. The “down days” can seem to last forever, and seem so real, and to anyone else seem totally irrational and sometimes pathetic.
I take my hat off to the men that love us, that stick with us, that persevere, uplift us, inspire us and misunderstand us, get attacked by our hormone driven mouth and mind. It must be like a horror ride on a roller coaster for them some days.
Women (in general) HATE conflict and because men and women see stress differently, everyday happenings will be important to one and not the other it will create conflict, because one does not consider something as “life-threatening” as the other.
This misunderstanding will make one seem hard and the other seem over-reactive, often setting the stage for a rocky patch.
“Among the rock” patches are mostly unavoidable; life IS ups and downs, and in constant change. We have differences of opinions, need space, need connection, and because we are different individuals, different minds there will always be differences. The key to coming out of these times, or maybe not even “going into” these times as fully as in the past, is determined on
the tools we have,
the ability to find acceptance and respect for self and others,
dropping the need to compare, judge, criticise and blame.
These skills are easily learnt and will transform your relationships.
The “among the rocks” patch can seem drawn out or more frequent at times because of women’s wonderful hormones have kicked them into the “down-days” of being more dramatic, feeling self-hate, sluggishness, wanting to hide, feeling discontent, very emotional, (more fearful, anxious, needy, critical and judgmental).
This is the easiest place to overcome relationship issues – even if you have not gone to the other phases you won’t find yourself there if you learn the strategies to avoid the rocks. (If you want some help, I have had lots of experience and am willing to assist you eliminate the things that become rocks). Free discovery call
One thing I noticed once I started to discover the gold and get clarity around what was behind the “often rocky” patches was that as a woman we tend to remember things; not just the wonderful, special and magical moments, but all the hurtful, unkind, disrespectful things, the time we “felt” forgotten, misunderstood, unheard, ignored.
This IS how we are – yet is so destructive – not just to ourselves, but to our relationships – every one of them. And no, we have no control over our hormones, yet we can get familiar with our pattern, fluctuations and cycle.
Most importantly this greater awareness of the times we could be triggered, more sensitive and vulnerable and warn ourselves and significant other, will help us immensely to stop the “often rocky” patches becoming a “rocky life”.
Another thing that I found is vital is to cut yourself some slack – that does not mean using your hormones as an excuse, but learning to be more gentle with self, and through your growing awareness and understanding, keep a close check on your thoughts, be really honest as to the reality of them, change the yucky thoughts that you do not like to thoughts you want to have.
This stage takes some getting your head around along with practice. (If you want some help, I have become an expert and am willing to assist you eliminate the rocks and the things that create them). Free Discovery call
Maybe you are living in a phase where the "rocky life" rules, and you are most miserable, life is so unfair and “he” just does not seem to care! Or you are trying hard and things just seem to get worse because there seems to be NO connection anymore. OR you maybe feeling like you are just a clock on the wall – getting the odd glance to make sure you are still ticking, or just the maid, doing the housework and meals, you feel depressed, desolate, angry, judged, and full of heartache.
Yep the “rocky life” time is hell. You feel so isolated, unheard, unloved, unsupported and exhausted with trying to make things work.
Oh, I must remind you, not only have our hormones pickled us, branded us and turned our lives upside down and inside out consistently, the “rocks” are there - our experiences, expectations, attitudes, beliefs and thoughts that are embedded into our psyche.
our expectations of ourselves, others and the world around us,
the things we believe to be true about ourselves, others and the world around us,
the attitudes of those around us, the experiences that have shaped our reality and
the thoughts we think about ourselves, others and the world around us all have a profound impact that adds to our hormone plagued life.
Is there ANY hope you ask? YES, again, there IS hope.
You see I have been through all these phases – wallowed there, lived there, despaired there and used to think there was no hope of it every being anything else than a “rocky life”!
Now I know different, and am living different – a life I love to live, a relationship I love to be in, (yes it is the same one I started in, that went through the “among the rocks” patches, went through the “often rocky” patches, more and more until I lived in the “rocky life” phase for about 4 years – of hell)
While I do not advocate that every person sticks in their relationship, for various reasons, I knew I had to give mine every bit of hope, chance and potential I could – I did not know how it would turn out, what was possible, I just had to try everything.
I have proven that by working on my own rocks, digging them out, getting the gold from under each one and putting them out of my mind, body and life I could have the relationship I dreamed of, and the potential for you to have your dream life is possible too.
Your gold my look a bit different to mine – it is what you consider as precious, of value and worth committing to and for.
The gold I have found and highly value is
My faith – without this I would not be here or have hope
Compassion – without this change and acceptance would not have been possible
Communication – without this there is no hope
Connection – first with myself, then others - vital
Cooperation – learning to give and receive and be part of a partnership
Collaboration – working together to fulfil dreams of each separately
Companionship – the fun, understanding, respect and kindness it gives
Community – remembering communities that work together are strong + healthy – we are part of a community
Cheerfulness – like the icing on the cake that makes life so much sweeter!
AND others behavior, moods + reactions are not personal - what makes it personal our choice in the moment - the fact that we have a choice what we do and how we respond at all times.
It has been a process, taken practice and transformed my life, the relationship I have with myself and with others. The most amazing part of this is that it is MY gold, because I found this IN me, then as a bonus I found this in others – I won, then won again and now experience the richness of what it can provide me in life.
Yes I wish to discover MY gold!