Created in love

Carried, in love, in fear, in turmoil

In sorrow, in pain, in joy and grief

In excitement and sadness,

In despair and delight.

Birthed in awe, trepidation,

Joy, love, delight and fear.

Emotions and feelings of those who gifted me life

Are imprinted deep within the cells, within memory

Interwoven in the fabric of tissues and energies

The essence of my being.

Unspoken words, gestures and actions,

Spoken words – to me, at me or about me

Heard, felt, recorded and stored.

Sponge like our brain absorbs ALL

Having no reference of truth or lie

Having no discernment of jest or truth

Taken to heart – Ah ha that is who I am!

Reinforced with more words, actions and gestures

All giving evidence that this is my identity.

Bad, useless, not as good as ……, thick

Naughty, why can’t you be ……., If only you were ….,

That looks ugly on you, gets interpreted to I am ugly,

Comparisons become the measuring stick,

As I try to be more like ……, and reminding

Me that I am not good enough, and never will be.

Harsh words, empty words, unkind words and hateful words

All carving their way through the flesh leaving more scars.

Never measuring up, always trying harder,

Desperately seeking to be valued – JUST FOR WHO I AM

Yet having NO idea of who I am because of hopes, dreams

And the essence of who I was has been not only covered up,

Shamed, blamed, judged, criticised, but shattered.

Shattered into tiny pieces, which I in desolation seek to

Find and make a picture of just who I am.

You see, identity has not been lost, just damaged

And shattered. For if it were lost, then I would just be a shell.

While that is how I feel, all the time, I know

Somewhere, inside of me, I am there.

Having feelings reminds me I live,

That I am not dead, and there is hope – just a glimmer

We see the hustle and bustle of those around us

No time for others, only work and self

Busy, busy, busy, yet doing very little

Not taking time for being, always doing

Frantic, determined that nothing and no one

Will get in their way of “all they have to do”.

Rushing and bustling, their own personal expectations

Keeping them in chains, keeping them

Blind, deaf and unfeeling to the needs of those around them

Always noise, never quiet, never stillness, cramming it all in.

Reflection time, together time if it happens is fraught with

Thoughts of what they should, could and would be doing

If they were not sitting here.

Not present, with the ones who long for their presence

Thoughts full of judgment, criticism, blame and shame

Of self and those who just want to know they matter,

That they are valued and are worthy.

We notice, we know, even when you are there in body,

Your mind is far away, there is resentment toward us

For “taking up your precious time”

You would rather be elsewhere, because this causes

You discomfort, this just being with one who is seeking to be

Valued, noticed and feel they matter.

And you know what else we notice?

We notice that you too are desperately seeking to

Put back the pieces of who you are, those pieces that

So long ago were shattered. You too are yearning to

Feel connected, to feel that you matter and that you are valued

You are just bigger, older and have developed more coping mechanisms

You have learned to stuff down those feelings and emotions

That are SO longing to be felt and expressed – we feel that

And this causes us to feel responsible, to feel more unworthy

To feel sad and hopeless, because we cannot help you –

OH we try, really try to help you look into yourself, to

Slow down, be present, yet all we are met with is anger and frustration

Because you see us as bolshie, disruptive, a troublemaker

Back-chatting and challenging.

We are mirroring your emptiness, and our own emptiness

Grows and grows, until we are just a shell.

So many try to be nice, say the right thing, yet you know

That their words are empty, because they do not listen

To themselves, and hide behind their masks, truly

They do not know, or do they? Maybe they are unwilling

To ask the questions you do, to look within, to feel the pain

To face the demons and keep pushing….to find myself, my value

Then what?

You start feeling again, living again.

For the survivors…

Instead of asking why, what more could I have done,

Why me and why do I have to suffer so?

Learn to connect, connect with your heart, listen to your heart

The part of you that knows, learn to be present, to listen,

speak and act with no judgement, criticism, blame or shame

of yourself or another, and above all VALUE, honour

respect, love and nurture yourself, for you are all you have.

Your head is fixated on the past, on the hurts, on the pain

On the no hope, no one cares, and will keep reminding you

Every way it can of this, daily. You see, the head cannot comprehend

There IS a future, that there is any other possibility than what

You experience now. It does not believe in you because it

Lives in the past, only knows the past and fears change.

Our head lives by and is ruled by fear, the heart by and with love.

So listen to your heart, sit in and with its warmth and comfort,

Be still and know YOUR true value – You are loved and YOU matter.

#judgment #criticism #shame #blame #emptiness

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