SURVIVING LIFE
Created in love
Carried, in love, in fear, in turmoil
In sorrow, in pain, in joy and grief
In excitement and sadness,
In despair and delight.
Birthed in awe, trepidation,
Joy, love, delight and fear.
Emotions and feelings of those who gifted me life
Are imprinted deep within the cells, within memory
Interwoven in the fabric of tissues and energies
The essence of my being.
Unspoken words, gestures and actions,
Spoken words – to me, at me or about me
Heard, felt, recorded and stored.
Sponge like our brain absorbs ALL
Having no reference of truth or lie
Having no discernment of jest or truth
Taken to heart – Ah ha that is who I am!
Reinforced with more words, actions and gestures
All giving evidence that this is my identity.
Bad, useless, not as good as ……, thick
Naughty, why can’t you be ……., If only you were ….,
That looks ugly on you, gets interpreted to I am ugly,
Comparisons become the measuring stick,
As I try to be more like ……, and reminding
Me that I am not good enough, and never will be.
Harsh words, empty words, unkind words and hateful words
All carving their way through the flesh leaving more scars.
Never measuring up, always trying harder,
Desperately seeking to be valued – JUST FOR WHO I AM
Yet having NO idea of who I am because of hopes, dreams
And the essence of who I was has been not only covered up,
Shamed, blamed, judged, criticised, but shattered.
Shattered into tiny pieces, which I in desolation seek to
Find and make a picture of just who I am.
You see, identity has not been lost, just damaged
And shattered. For if it were lost, then I would just be a shell.
While that is how I feel, all the time, I know
Somewhere, inside of me, I am there.
Having feelings reminds me I live,
That I am not dead, and there is hope – just a glimmer
We see the hustle and bustle of those around us
No time for others, only work and self
Busy, busy, busy, yet doing very little
Not taking time for being, always doing
Frantic, determined that nothing and no one
Will get in their way of “all they have to do”.
Rushing and bustling, their own personal expectations
Keeping them in chains, keeping them
Blind, deaf and unfeeling to the needs of those around them
Always noise, never quiet, never stillness, cramming it all in.
Reflection time, together time if it happens is fraught with
Thoughts of what they should, could and would be doing
If they were not sitting here.
Not present, with the ones who long for their presence
Thoughts full of judgment, criticism, blame and shame
Of self and those who just want to know they matter,
That they are valued and are worthy.
We notice, we know, even when you are there in body,
Your mind is far away, there is resentment toward us
For “taking up your precious time”
You would rather be elsewhere, because this causes
You discomfort, this just being with one who is seeking to be
Valued, noticed and feel they matter.
And you know what else we notice?
We notice that you too are desperately seeking to
Put back the pieces of who you are, those pieces that
So long ago were shattered. You too are yearning to
Feel connected, to feel that you matter and that you are valued
You are just bigger, older and have developed more coping mechanisms
You have learned to stuff down those feelings and emotions
That are SO longing to be felt and expressed – we feel that
And this causes us to feel responsible, to feel more unworthy
To feel sad and hopeless, because we cannot help you –
OH we try, really try to help you look into yourself, to
Slow down, be present, yet all we are met with is anger and frustration
Because you see us as bolshie, disruptive, a troublemaker
Back-chatting and challenging.
We are mirroring your emptiness, and our own emptiness
Grows and grows, until we are just a shell.
So many try to be nice, say the right thing, yet you know
That their words are empty, because they do not listen
To themselves, and hide behind their masks, truly
They do not know, or do they? Maybe they are unwilling
To ask the questions you do, to look within, to feel the pain
To face the demons and keep pushing….to find myself, my value
Then what?
You start feeling again, living again.
For the survivors…
Instead of asking why, what more could I have done,
Why me and why do I have to suffer so?
Learn to connect, connect with your heart, listen to your heart
The part of you that knows, learn to be present, to listen,
speak and act with no judgement, criticism, blame or shame
of yourself or another, and above all VALUE, honour
respect, love and nurture yourself, for you are all you have.
Your head is fixated on the past, on the hurts, on the pain
On the no hope, no one cares, and will keep reminding you
Every way it can of this, daily. You see, the head cannot comprehend
There IS a future, that there is any other possibility than what
You experience now. It does not believe in you because it
Lives in the past, only knows the past and fears change.
Our head lives by and is ruled by fear, the heart by and with love.
So listen to your heart, sit in and with its warmth and comfort,
Be still and know YOUR true value – You are loved and YOU matter.
